Day 31: Made it a month

Well I made it a month (pats self on back).

It hasn't been effortless considering I have to stay up till after hubby goes to sleep and some nights, like tonight, I'm flat exhausted by that time.

I wonder if I can handle two commitments at the same time LOL LOL.

I don't know WHY I keep putting off starting to use the patches I've already bought and paid for? They are sitting in a box, UNOPENED, in my bathroom waiting for me...

It's not like they are going to administer themselves... it's up to me.

I WANT to quit... really. I've been successful at quitting (although it's only been 3 months at the longest).

Why am I putting this off? I DO... NOT.... ENJOY... SMOKING! So why do I continue when I know the patch will be enough of a crutch... hmmm... that's harsher than I wanted so let me rephrase.... I know the patch will be enough of an AID.

Maybe I'll put one on before I go to bed tonight. Maybe I'll procrastinate yet again... I'll let you know in tomorrow's post.

Nite World

Day 30: One Month And Still Posting

Wow... My husband totally surprised me tonight.

If you remember, I work 4-10's and have Mondays off. He walked in the door tonight with roses, King crab, and apples with caramel dip...

All my favorites..

He said Happy Mother's Day... yes, I know, it's Monday and mother's day was yesterday... but it was nice that he did that, even if I am not the mother of his children... it was nice of him to recognize that I am a mother.

I love crab. It's my favorite food in the whole wide world (said with a little girl voice), but I also think I have a slight allergy to it because whenever I eat crab... King or Snow... I get a little fuzzy in my eyelids and very very very tired.

Speaking of tired...

Nite World

Day 29: Is anybody Out there?

Sometimes I wonder why I decided to do this. Why did I make a commitment to post nightly for 365 days without missing a day?

I have to post sooooo late at night because I don't want anyone to know I'm doing this... I want to keep it my own... private... for the freedom it allows me to type whatever I want no matter how sensitive... I have to wait to post until my husband is sleeping. Sometimes I can hardly stay awake long enough to post, and because of that sometimes my posts are blah... short... boring... inconsequential ramblings of the days events.

I guess because of that when/if anyone checks in there is nothing of interest here.

Maybe I have no followers because I've felt the need to give my blog an adult warning... You won't find any XXX material here, or porn to your delight, or distaste, but some of the posts are very sensitive in nature and I don't want your children happening upon them. I am a mother and I would not appreciate my child happening upon posts with the types of things I have written about and am going to be writing about.

Beginning tomorrow night I am going to begin getting more into the "therapy" reason I am doing this. I am going to start writing about my childhood, on up through my adult situations, and in so doing hopefully I can make sense of why I am where I am in my life.

I am unhappy. Maybe I can figure out how to become happy. Maybe I'll just figure out how to deal with it all and become complacent.... maybe.... I'm hoping.

Happy Mother's day to all the Mommies out there and....

Nite World

Day 28: Almost Midnight.... Another day gone

Tomorrow is Mother's Day, so happy Mother's Day to all you Mommies out there.

I called my daughter to tell her that we'll be doing Mother's Day at Nana and Papa's house, and she told me that her father had called and asked her to spend the day with him....

Hmmm... does that mean I get her on Father's day? I can't believe he would do that... oh wait... this is my ex-..... yes I can.

Nite World

Day 27: TGIF!! And I really really REALLY mean it

I am sooo glad it's Friday.

I've not felt this exhausted in a very long time and I can't wait to fall into bed and not hear an alarm in the morning.

This weekend we are going to finish painting the kitchen and dining room, but other than that there is NOTHING planned. I may not even get out of my jammies all weekend! LOL.

I am going to quit smoking on Mother's day. That gives me all of tomorrow to psych myself up for it.

I have the patches now... I just need to begin.

I'm going to go drop into bed. I bet I'm alseep before my head hits the pillow.

Nite World

Day 26: You Know.... My Childhood Sucked!

Seriously!! I believe it's a miracle that I am a functioning adult... okay... a semi-functioning adult LOL.

I'm going to start posting about my past... you'll see what I mean when I begin...

Not tonight. I'm too tired. I have to post very late on here because I really want to keep this private... I don't want my husband to know I'm blogging here because I want the freedom to say whatever I choose!

I want the freedom to post the most horrible things in my life, as well as the wonderful things in my life... and most of the time HE is the most horrible.

If I were to let him catch me blogging, and he were to begin to read, there would be a huge disagreement over my sharing the things I've already shared and the things I intend to share... and one of the reasons I'm doing this is as a form of self-therapy.

I need to be able to share.

But for now... I'm yawning... my eyes are half shut already so I'm off to bed.

Nite World

Day 25: Emotionally and Physically Exhausted

The funeral was this morning. It was a nice service. They released white doves and told a story about it.

We spent the rest of the day with family of course, and only were able to paint another wall by the time we got home.

My daughter came by and got some more of her things. She is NOT having an easy time of this move. She misses me as much as I miss her.

Although she's 22, she's not ready and neither am I, for her to be too far away yet.

I keep reassuring her that she is only a phone call away... empty words meant to comfort... it isn't working.

I miss her desperately, but I'm trying to remain cheerful when she's around because I could shatter her even more if she knew how painful it is for me as well.

Sometimes I despise him for things like this. Sometimes I despise myself for putting up with it.

Nite World