Day 31: Made it a month

Well I made it a month (pats self on back).

It hasn't been effortless considering I have to stay up till after hubby goes to sleep and some nights, like tonight, I'm flat exhausted by that time.

I wonder if I can handle two commitments at the same time LOL LOL.

I don't know WHY I keep putting off starting to use the patches I've already bought and paid for? They are sitting in a box, UNOPENED, in my bathroom waiting for me...

It's not like they are going to administer themselves... it's up to me.

I WANT to quit... really. I've been successful at quitting (although it's only been 3 months at the longest).

Why am I putting this off? I DO... NOT.... ENJOY... SMOKING! So why do I continue when I know the patch will be enough of a crutch... hmmm... that's harsher than I wanted so let me rephrase.... I know the patch will be enough of an AID.

Maybe I'll put one on before I go to bed tonight. Maybe I'll procrastinate yet again... I'll let you know in tomorrow's post.

Nite World

Day 30: One Month And Still Posting

Wow... My husband totally surprised me tonight.

If you remember, I work 4-10's and have Mondays off. He walked in the door tonight with roses, King crab, and apples with caramel dip...

All my favorites..

He said Happy Mother's Day... yes, I know, it's Monday and mother's day was yesterday... but it was nice that he did that, even if I am not the mother of his children... it was nice of him to recognize that I am a mother.

I love crab. It's my favorite food in the whole wide world (said with a little girl voice), but I also think I have a slight allergy to it because whenever I eat crab... King or Snow... I get a little fuzzy in my eyelids and very very very tired.

Speaking of tired...

Nite World

Day 29: Is anybody Out there?

Sometimes I wonder why I decided to do this. Why did I make a commitment to post nightly for 365 days without missing a day?

I have to post sooooo late at night because I don't want anyone to know I'm doing this... I want to keep it my own... private... for the freedom it allows me to type whatever I want no matter how sensitive... I have to wait to post until my husband is sleeping. Sometimes I can hardly stay awake long enough to post, and because of that sometimes my posts are blah... short... boring... inconsequential ramblings of the days events.

I guess because of that when/if anyone checks in there is nothing of interest here.

Maybe I have no followers because I've felt the need to give my blog an adult warning... You won't find any XXX material here, or porn to your delight, or distaste, but some of the posts are very sensitive in nature and I don't want your children happening upon them. I am a mother and I would not appreciate my child happening upon posts with the types of things I have written about and am going to be writing about.

Beginning tomorrow night I am going to begin getting more into the "therapy" reason I am doing this. I am going to start writing about my childhood, on up through my adult situations, and in so doing hopefully I can make sense of why I am where I am in my life.

I am unhappy. Maybe I can figure out how to become happy. Maybe I'll just figure out how to deal with it all and become complacent.... maybe.... I'm hoping.

Happy Mother's day to all the Mommies out there and....

Nite World

Day 28: Almost Midnight.... Another day gone

Tomorrow is Mother's Day, so happy Mother's Day to all you Mommies out there.

I called my daughter to tell her that we'll be doing Mother's Day at Nana and Papa's house, and she told me that her father had called and asked her to spend the day with him....

Hmmm... does that mean I get her on Father's day? I can't believe he would do that... oh wait... this is my ex-..... yes I can.

Nite World

Day 27: TGIF!! And I really really REALLY mean it

I am sooo glad it's Friday.

I've not felt this exhausted in a very long time and I can't wait to fall into bed and not hear an alarm in the morning.

This weekend we are going to finish painting the kitchen and dining room, but other than that there is NOTHING planned. I may not even get out of my jammies all weekend! LOL.

I am going to quit smoking on Mother's day. That gives me all of tomorrow to psych myself up for it.

I have the patches now... I just need to begin.

I'm going to go drop into bed. I bet I'm alseep before my head hits the pillow.

Nite World

Day 26: You Know.... My Childhood Sucked!

Seriously!! I believe it's a miracle that I am a functioning adult... okay... a semi-functioning adult LOL.

I'm going to start posting about my past... you'll see what I mean when I begin...

Not tonight. I'm too tired. I have to post very late on here because I really want to keep this private... I don't want my husband to know I'm blogging here because I want the freedom to say whatever I choose!

I want the freedom to post the most horrible things in my life, as well as the wonderful things in my life... and most of the time HE is the most horrible.

If I were to let him catch me blogging, and he were to begin to read, there would be a huge disagreement over my sharing the things I've already shared and the things I intend to share... and one of the reasons I'm doing this is as a form of self-therapy.

I need to be able to share.

But for now... I'm yawning... my eyes are half shut already so I'm off to bed.

Nite World

Day 25: Emotionally and Physically Exhausted

The funeral was this morning. It was a nice service. They released white doves and told a story about it.

We spent the rest of the day with family of course, and only were able to paint another wall by the time we got home.

My daughter came by and got some more of her things. She is NOT having an easy time of this move. She misses me as much as I miss her.

Although she's 22, she's not ready and neither am I, for her to be too far away yet.

I keep reassuring her that she is only a phone call away... empty words meant to comfort... it isn't working.

I miss her desperately, but I'm trying to remain cheerful when she's around because I could shatter her even more if she knew how painful it is for me as well.

Sometimes I despise him for things like this. Sometimes I despise myself for putting up with it.

Nite World

Day 24: The viewing and services - The Dam Breaks

I was correct in my assumption. The dam broke.

It began on the way there.... We were in a 4 car caravan from my father-in-law's house to the mortuary. We were all supposed to stop and eat before we got there and suddenly, out of nowhere, my husband began yelling at me... "Forget it! I don't know what the @#$% we're doing, I don't know where they are @#$%ing going, just get on the freeway and let's just go there! If you want to eat something we can grab something at McDonald's by the mortuary!"

At first I was stunned. I didn't know WHAT I had done... or even what ANYONE had done, except that his father had pulled over to the side of the road, which made the entire caravan pull over to the side of the road, and his father walked back to our car to ask us where we wanted to eat.

This set my husband OFF! Not while his father was at the car of course... he waited until his father had gotten back into his vehicle and begun driving again and then he took it out on me.

I don't take that crap! I don't care if you ARE on your way to your grandmother's funeral! I told him "I have two things to say to you.... First, I'M HUNGRY and second... YOU NEED TO CALM DOWN!"

He didn't calm down and repeated his ORDERS to me to skip the restaurant and just go to the mortuary.

I obeyed... grrrrrr... but I didn't speak a word to him the entire way.

We got almost there and he instructed me to pull into the McDonald's he had mentioned earlier.

I obeyed... grrrrr..... but I still didn't speak a word to him.

We went in, placed our order, and were sitting at the table eating when he asked me what was wrong...

GRRRRR....

He always does that! He blows... then he's over it... it's done. ME.... nope... I hold a grudge!

So I told him. "You yelled at me for no reason!" He apologized.. no.. wait.. let me take that back... he NEVER apologizes EVER. He didn't apologize, he just explained himself. "I wasn't yelling at you.... I was just yelling."

Before that point, I had begun to remind myself that he was stressed about where we were going and why we were going there. He has not shown any grief or mourning so far and I KNOW he loved his grandmother. The fact that he is 42 years old and JUST lost her means she has been in his life for 42 years!

THAT is a loss.. and he wasn't showing it. I was concerned.

The viewing lasted from 4:00 to 8:00. People came and went... and the family began to relax a bit after the initial mourning. We all began to talk, and socialize. Then a "rent-a-clergy" (sorry... no disrespect meant.. I am a Christian but this guy.. well.. that's what he was... He didn't care... He recited words out of a book in front of him that was titled "Christian Funeral Services")... anyway... I digress.... he performed a "quickie" Catholic service. I didn't know Grandma was still Catholic... most of the family has converted to other Christian religions.

When he was done, we all walked up to the casket one last time. Everyone seemed to break then.

We walked out of the chapel, into the lobby area, and my husband's cousin, they are the same age and grew up together, walked up to him and wrapped his arms around my husband and he BROKE... which, in turn, made my husband break... WIDE OPEN.

I was relieved.

Tomorrow he will be a pall bearer for his grandmother... now that the dam has broken he probably won't be as stoic.

The Funeral and internment is early so....

Nite World

Day 23: Still Painting

Today we continued to paint. Got the dining room finished and we're now into the kitchen.

It turned out nice.

I'm exhausted though!

I talked to my husband about his Grandmother today. I guess I was just wanting to give him the opportunity to break down in a safe place if he felt the need.

Not yet.

Tomorrow is the viewing and Wed is the funeral and maybe he's just fine. I'm not trying to "force" him to have any specific emotions about her death.. I'm just seeing something there and I guess I just wanted to help bring it to the surface... help him through grief??

Maybe he just doesn't need it.

I'll have to post some pics of the new walls. We did a faux finish and it turned out nice.

Nite World.

Day 22: Don't Shed a Tear.... PAINT!

Hubby is still not openly or outwardly reacting to his grandmother's death.

I opened the fridge today to find it totally and completely cleaned out (a job I had been meaning to do and had put off for this weekend).

We had breakfast with my daughter and her fiance.

We were right next door to a Lowe's, and my husband said that he wanted to head over after breakfast to pick up some adhesive in order to re-glue some tiles back into the border of our counter top.

We walked out of Lowe's with the adhesive, but an unexpected purchase of 2 brushes, 1 roller and pan kit, 1 Gallon of base paint, and 2 quarts of glaze because he announced... we need to start painting the rooms.

We came home and began to paint the dining room and kitchen. He began immediately after walking in the door.

It's sad in a way that he isn't showing any reaction to her death.. I know he loved her.

It's amazing that I am recognizing his mourning... Scrubbing the kitchen floor, cleaning out the fridge, painting rooms... these are not things he does normally without much prodding and nagging.

I wonder how many things will get done before he finally sheds a tear?

I wonder if he will. He isn't a "macho" individual. He will shed a tear when moved to... He will cry when one of our animals dies... or if a movie touches him.

I'm not sure what's holding them back right now? I wonder if he's going to break down hard at the funeral because he hasn't outwardly grieved yet?

I'll be ready. I wonder if he will be?

Nite World

Day 21: A Quiet Day - A Day to Reflect

I spent a lot of time today in deep thought. I think everyone else did too because it was very quiet in my house.

We called this morning to see how everyone was doing at Grandma's. They are feeling exactly how one would expect.

Since Grandma lived such a long full life, and did not die of illness, disease or anything traumatic, there is a kind of peace that lies over this death.

There is grief at the loss of course, but the overall feelings seem to reflect more the ending of a generation.

I have experienced so much death in my life. I always thought there was nothing unusual about that as death is the ending to every single life... but in knowing my husband's family I have learned that not every family experiences as much death as mine.

My husband still has both of his parents. I do not.
My husband just yesterday lost his last grandparent, I lost mine years ago.

Each of us handles loss differently. My husband keeps telling me "I'm okay"... and he appears okay, however he is very quiet and cleaned the kitchen and scrubbed the kitchen floor today.

He needed to DO something without actually doing something. I recognized it and I left him alone. Is it unusual for him to clean the kitchen? No. What struck me as odd, however, was him scrubbing the kitchen floor. That spoke volumes. Yes... it needed it... that's not the point.

The viewing will be Tuesday and the funeral will be Wednesday and I'm sure his emotions will get away from him on one of those days. This was his Grandma, and she died one day after his birthday. I'm not sure yet how deeply this is really affecting him, but I know him well enough to know it IS affecting him no matter what he says.

I will allow him to deal with this however he needs... and when he needs me I'll be here.

Nite World