Day 31: Made it a month

Well I made it a month (pats self on back).

It hasn't been effortless considering I have to stay up till after hubby goes to sleep and some nights, like tonight, I'm flat exhausted by that time.

I wonder if I can handle two commitments at the same time LOL LOL.

I don't know WHY I keep putting off starting to use the patches I've already bought and paid for? They are sitting in a box, UNOPENED, in my bathroom waiting for me...

It's not like they are going to administer themselves... it's up to me.

I WANT to quit... really. I've been successful at quitting (although it's only been 3 months at the longest).

Why am I putting this off? I DO... NOT.... ENJOY... SMOKING! So why do I continue when I know the patch will be enough of a crutch... hmmm... that's harsher than I wanted so let me rephrase.... I know the patch will be enough of an AID.

Maybe I'll put one on before I go to bed tonight. Maybe I'll procrastinate yet again... I'll let you know in tomorrow's post.

Nite World

Day 30: One Month And Still Posting

Wow... My husband totally surprised me tonight.

If you remember, I work 4-10's and have Mondays off. He walked in the door tonight with roses, King crab, and apples with caramel dip...

All my favorites..

He said Happy Mother's Day... yes, I know, it's Monday and mother's day was yesterday... but it was nice that he did that, even if I am not the mother of his children... it was nice of him to recognize that I am a mother.

I love crab. It's my favorite food in the whole wide world (said with a little girl voice), but I also think I have a slight allergy to it because whenever I eat crab... King or Snow... I get a little fuzzy in my eyelids and very very very tired.

Speaking of tired...

Nite World

Day 29: Is anybody Out there?

Sometimes I wonder why I decided to do this. Why did I make a commitment to post nightly for 365 days without missing a day?

I have to post sooooo late at night because I don't want anyone to know I'm doing this... I want to keep it my own... private... for the freedom it allows me to type whatever I want no matter how sensitive... I have to wait to post until my husband is sleeping. Sometimes I can hardly stay awake long enough to post, and because of that sometimes my posts are blah... short... boring... inconsequential ramblings of the days events.

I guess because of that when/if anyone checks in there is nothing of interest here.

Maybe I have no followers because I've felt the need to give my blog an adult warning... You won't find any XXX material here, or porn to your delight, or distaste, but some of the posts are very sensitive in nature and I don't want your children happening upon them. I am a mother and I would not appreciate my child happening upon posts with the types of things I have written about and am going to be writing about.

Beginning tomorrow night I am going to begin getting more into the "therapy" reason I am doing this. I am going to start writing about my childhood, on up through my adult situations, and in so doing hopefully I can make sense of why I am where I am in my life.

I am unhappy. Maybe I can figure out how to become happy. Maybe I'll just figure out how to deal with it all and become complacent.... maybe.... I'm hoping.

Happy Mother's day to all the Mommies out there and....

Nite World

Day 28: Almost Midnight.... Another day gone

Tomorrow is Mother's Day, so happy Mother's Day to all you Mommies out there.

I called my daughter to tell her that we'll be doing Mother's Day at Nana and Papa's house, and she told me that her father had called and asked her to spend the day with him....

Hmmm... does that mean I get her on Father's day? I can't believe he would do that... oh wait... this is my ex-..... yes I can.

Nite World

Day 27: TGIF!! And I really really REALLY mean it

I am sooo glad it's Friday.

I've not felt this exhausted in a very long time and I can't wait to fall into bed and not hear an alarm in the morning.

This weekend we are going to finish painting the kitchen and dining room, but other than that there is NOTHING planned. I may not even get out of my jammies all weekend! LOL.

I am going to quit smoking on Mother's day. That gives me all of tomorrow to psych myself up for it.

I have the patches now... I just need to begin.

I'm going to go drop into bed. I bet I'm alseep before my head hits the pillow.

Nite World

Day 26: You Know.... My Childhood Sucked!

Seriously!! I believe it's a miracle that I am a functioning adult... okay... a semi-functioning adult LOL.

I'm going to start posting about my past... you'll see what I mean when I begin...

Not tonight. I'm too tired. I have to post very late on here because I really want to keep this private... I don't want my husband to know I'm blogging here because I want the freedom to say whatever I choose!

I want the freedom to post the most horrible things in my life, as well as the wonderful things in my life... and most of the time HE is the most horrible.

If I were to let him catch me blogging, and he were to begin to read, there would be a huge disagreement over my sharing the things I've already shared and the things I intend to share... and one of the reasons I'm doing this is as a form of self-therapy.

I need to be able to share.

But for now... I'm yawning... my eyes are half shut already so I'm off to bed.

Nite World

Day 25: Emotionally and Physically Exhausted

The funeral was this morning. It was a nice service. They released white doves and told a story about it.

We spent the rest of the day with family of course, and only were able to paint another wall by the time we got home.

My daughter came by and got some more of her things. She is NOT having an easy time of this move. She misses me as much as I miss her.

Although she's 22, she's not ready and neither am I, for her to be too far away yet.

I keep reassuring her that she is only a phone call away... empty words meant to comfort... it isn't working.

I miss her desperately, but I'm trying to remain cheerful when she's around because I could shatter her even more if she knew how painful it is for me as well.

Sometimes I despise him for things like this. Sometimes I despise myself for putting up with it.

Nite World

Day 24: The viewing and services - The Dam Breaks

I was correct in my assumption. The dam broke.

It began on the way there.... We were in a 4 car caravan from my father-in-law's house to the mortuary. We were all supposed to stop and eat before we got there and suddenly, out of nowhere, my husband began yelling at me... "Forget it! I don't know what the @#$% we're doing, I don't know where they are @#$%ing going, just get on the freeway and let's just go there! If you want to eat something we can grab something at McDonald's by the mortuary!"

At first I was stunned. I didn't know WHAT I had done... or even what ANYONE had done, except that his father had pulled over to the side of the road, which made the entire caravan pull over to the side of the road, and his father walked back to our car to ask us where we wanted to eat.

This set my husband OFF! Not while his father was at the car of course... he waited until his father had gotten back into his vehicle and begun driving again and then he took it out on me.

I don't take that crap! I don't care if you ARE on your way to your grandmother's funeral! I told him "I have two things to say to you.... First, I'M HUNGRY and second... YOU NEED TO CALM DOWN!"

He didn't calm down and repeated his ORDERS to me to skip the restaurant and just go to the mortuary.

I obeyed... grrrrrr... but I didn't speak a word to him the entire way.

We got almost there and he instructed me to pull into the McDonald's he had mentioned earlier.

I obeyed... grrrrr..... but I still didn't speak a word to him.

We went in, placed our order, and were sitting at the table eating when he asked me what was wrong...

GRRRRR....

He always does that! He blows... then he's over it... it's done. ME.... nope... I hold a grudge!

So I told him. "You yelled at me for no reason!" He apologized.. no.. wait.. let me take that back... he NEVER apologizes EVER. He didn't apologize, he just explained himself. "I wasn't yelling at you.... I was just yelling."

Before that point, I had begun to remind myself that he was stressed about where we were going and why we were going there. He has not shown any grief or mourning so far and I KNOW he loved his grandmother. The fact that he is 42 years old and JUST lost her means she has been in his life for 42 years!

THAT is a loss.. and he wasn't showing it. I was concerned.

The viewing lasted from 4:00 to 8:00. People came and went... and the family began to relax a bit after the initial mourning. We all began to talk, and socialize. Then a "rent-a-clergy" (sorry... no disrespect meant.. I am a Christian but this guy.. well.. that's what he was... He didn't care... He recited words out of a book in front of him that was titled "Christian Funeral Services")... anyway... I digress.... he performed a "quickie" Catholic service. I didn't know Grandma was still Catholic... most of the family has converted to other Christian religions.

When he was done, we all walked up to the casket one last time. Everyone seemed to break then.

We walked out of the chapel, into the lobby area, and my husband's cousin, they are the same age and grew up together, walked up to him and wrapped his arms around my husband and he BROKE... which, in turn, made my husband break... WIDE OPEN.

I was relieved.

Tomorrow he will be a pall bearer for his grandmother... now that the dam has broken he probably won't be as stoic.

The Funeral and internment is early so....

Nite World

Day 23: Still Painting

Today we continued to paint. Got the dining room finished and we're now into the kitchen.

It turned out nice.

I'm exhausted though!

I talked to my husband about his Grandmother today. I guess I was just wanting to give him the opportunity to break down in a safe place if he felt the need.

Not yet.

Tomorrow is the viewing and Wed is the funeral and maybe he's just fine. I'm not trying to "force" him to have any specific emotions about her death.. I'm just seeing something there and I guess I just wanted to help bring it to the surface... help him through grief??

Maybe he just doesn't need it.

I'll have to post some pics of the new walls. We did a faux finish and it turned out nice.

Nite World.

Day 22: Don't Shed a Tear.... PAINT!

Hubby is still not openly or outwardly reacting to his grandmother's death.

I opened the fridge today to find it totally and completely cleaned out (a job I had been meaning to do and had put off for this weekend).

We had breakfast with my daughter and her fiance.

We were right next door to a Lowe's, and my husband said that he wanted to head over after breakfast to pick up some adhesive in order to re-glue some tiles back into the border of our counter top.

We walked out of Lowe's with the adhesive, but an unexpected purchase of 2 brushes, 1 roller and pan kit, 1 Gallon of base paint, and 2 quarts of glaze because he announced... we need to start painting the rooms.

We came home and began to paint the dining room and kitchen. He began immediately after walking in the door.

It's sad in a way that he isn't showing any reaction to her death.. I know he loved her.

It's amazing that I am recognizing his mourning... Scrubbing the kitchen floor, cleaning out the fridge, painting rooms... these are not things he does normally without much prodding and nagging.

I wonder how many things will get done before he finally sheds a tear?

I wonder if he will. He isn't a "macho" individual. He will shed a tear when moved to... He will cry when one of our animals dies... or if a movie touches him.

I'm not sure what's holding them back right now? I wonder if he's going to break down hard at the funeral because he hasn't outwardly grieved yet?

I'll be ready. I wonder if he will be?

Nite World

Day 21: A Quiet Day - A Day to Reflect

I spent a lot of time today in deep thought. I think everyone else did too because it was very quiet in my house.

We called this morning to see how everyone was doing at Grandma's. They are feeling exactly how one would expect.

Since Grandma lived such a long full life, and did not die of illness, disease or anything traumatic, there is a kind of peace that lies over this death.

There is grief at the loss of course, but the overall feelings seem to reflect more the ending of a generation.

I have experienced so much death in my life. I always thought there was nothing unusual about that as death is the ending to every single life... but in knowing my husband's family I have learned that not every family experiences as much death as mine.

My husband still has both of his parents. I do not.
My husband just yesterday lost his last grandparent, I lost mine years ago.

Each of us handles loss differently. My husband keeps telling me "I'm okay"... and he appears okay, however he is very quiet and cleaned the kitchen and scrubbed the kitchen floor today.

He needed to DO something without actually doing something. I recognized it and I left him alone. Is it unusual for him to clean the kitchen? No. What struck me as odd, however, was him scrubbing the kitchen floor. That spoke volumes. Yes... it needed it... that's not the point.

The viewing will be Tuesday and the funeral will be Wednesday and I'm sure his emotions will get away from him on one of those days. This was his Grandma, and she died one day after his birthday. I'm not sure yet how deeply this is really affecting him, but I know him well enough to know it IS affecting him no matter what he says.

I will allow him to deal with this however he needs... and when he needs me I'll be here.

Nite World

Day 20: A Sad Day in the Family

My husband's Grandmother passed tonight at 6:00 p.m.

Beloved Mother, Grandmother, Great Grandmother...

1915 - 2010





She was very loved, she will be very missed.

My heart hurts.

Day 19: Losing a Loved One

I'm not going to post a lot.

Today was hubby's B-Day.

We got a call 1 hour before we were supposed to be off work. It was time to go say goodbye to Hubby's 94-year-old grandmother.

She has lived a good life. A long life without disease or illness. She is dying simply of old age, peacefully, she is just tired and it's time to go home.

As of the time of this writing she is still with us; however it truly will be any minute/hour/day.

There will be a lot of grieving and mourning and missing this sweet old lady.

Nite World

Day 18: OMG... Why is there so much drama in my life?

I had waited to tell my husand that my daughter was moving out. I did not want her to be locked in to leaving if something should happen and she wasn't able to.

Tonight when we got home from work, her fiance's truck was filled with their things. I walked in the door and the first thing I saw was a box full of their things. I asked her, "So this is really happening?" and she said "yes", so I went back outside to where my husband was feeding the horses and said "I didn't tell you earlier because I didn't want them locked into anything if something happened, but the kids are moving this weekend."

If you haven't read any of my earlier blogs, he and I had a huge disagreement because he had decided he was going to give them 60 days to leave and I was not happy about him giving them a deadline to leave at all.

Telling your children "It's time for you to find your own place to live" is different than saying "You have X amount of time to get out!"

No sooner had the words exited my mouth than my daughter's fiance's phone rang. It was his family and plans were changing.

The kids can no longer move in with them this weekend. Oh My God!!! What do I do now?

Both are 21-years-old, working full time jobs days and going to school full time nights.

They are great kids! Responsible and mature. They help with the bills. They're not so great with the housework... but most times here lately neither am I.

I have no complaints with them. My husband's complaints are minimal, trivial and pissy.

Now, somehow, we have to not only tell my husband that they have to stay a while longer, but we have to try and open up the lines of communication between them that have NEVER been good, and try to make this a comfortable living environment for everyone.... Like my daughter says... it's probably not going to happen and it's probably never going to be a comfortable living environment.

I say he should be happy that she has forgiven him and is willing to want a good relationship with him. He's lucky that she didn't put him behind bars years ago.

I am soooo stressed!

I bought the patch last night, read all of the directions, and was planning on putting on the first patch tonight so that when I woke up in the morning I'd begin quitting (what an oxymoronic statement... begin to quit???)

Anyway... I think I'll delay for a day or two until this initial trauma/drama/stress comes to a conclusion.... whatever that might be.

Nite World

Day 17: Bought the Patch - Wish me Luck

I'm going to begin my 4th attempt to quit smoking.

My first attempt was on Feb 22, 2009. I chose that date because it was my mother's birthday and she died of cancer. On her deathbed, in 1990, she asked me to quit smoking and I told her I would. I just never told her when.

I did very well my first three attempts. You may not think so since I'm beginning my 4th, but I have been a smoker for 36 years. Since I was 12. Yep... if you did the math that makes me 48 LOL.

I've never quit smoking before. I've never even made a serious attempt. I've quit a day here and a day there through the years, but on Feb 22, 2009 that was my very first REAL and honest attempt to quit smoking.

My doctor prescribed me Chantix. It worked. It worked wonderfully. Without any of the side effects (thank God). It is a 3-month program and it works wonders. For 2 months.

For 2 months I didn't even cheat! Not one puff! I was so proud of myself and I loved being a non-smoker. But for some reason, during the 3rd month I failed.

My doctor re-prescribed the prescription from the starter pack and again, I was successful for 2 months but failed the 3rd.

I had to really beg him to give me another chance at it. He did not want to prescribe it a 3rd time. He finally broke down but told me this was it! No more Chantix if it didn't work this time.

It did... beautifully, for 2 months.

I began smoking again shortly after I healed from my surgery. At least I accomplished what I wanted and that was to be a non-smoker for a bit before the surgery.

But I realized the other day that I HATE being a smoker. Truly and honestly! I LOVED being a non-smoker!

So I purchased the patch. I need the crutch, but at least I know now that I can be successful and quit. I've done it three times now and when you smoke for 36 years without ever stopping... 2 months without one puff is an accomplishment.

I'm going to begin tomorrow morning.

Without the Chantix this is going to take will power as well as the patch, but I really really really want cigarettes out of my life!

I can't stand smoking! I don't like the taste, the smell, how it makes me feel! I'm ready.

Wish me Luck!

Nite World.

Day 16: Nothing Important... just boring

Well, Back to work tomorrow for me... back to my 1-1/2 hour commute (each way) and my 4-10's.

At least it will be different than last week, and I'll be doing everything I can to expedite the process of getting back to normal.

I need it normal. Last week put me in a state of emotional distress that I HATE feeling.

Did my laundry today (YAY me... I didn't let it wait until I ran out of everything).

Played Last Chaos (My dragon is now mounted and now I'm working on leveling up myself and my Jaguar). I need a really awesome medieval type name for my Jaguar. So far nothing is coming to mind. I can't think of any character names I've read in books that trigger anything so I'll probably have to make one up.

Not many of us have Jaguars yet. They are a very new addition to the game.

Well, I told you my day was boring. OH... they came and got their horse this morning. Hopefully they'll be able to keep it from getting away again... but if it does... at least it knows where there's water and we'll probably be able to catch it again..

Nite World.

Day 15: My daughter told me she is moving out

It breaks my heart, but I know it will be so much better for her.

My husband, her stepfather of 16 years, makes her life miserable most of the time. She strives for his acceptance and his love. Yes, I know, even after their past. It's heartbreaking when you think about it.

My husband is one of the most "pissy" people I've ever known. His friends and co-workers never see it and wouldn't believe it if I told them. To them he's the greatest guy in the world. Funny, charming, always in a good mood, always a friend, always ready and willing to give you the shirt off his back. If you are a friend or co-worker.

Family members on the other hand, well that's a different story. We get all the rest. The grumpiness, the gloominess, the irritability. Or... we just flat get ignored. This is where my daughter falls. He is either complaining about her, or something she does, or he is ignoring her altogether.

About two months ago he flew off the handle about something, and although it was something that also upset me... I talked to her about it. His way of dealing with it was to inform me that he was going to give her and her fiance 60 days to find a different place to live.

It became a huge disagreement between my husband and I. I will never kick my daughter out of my home. She pays 1/2 of all the bills (not counting the 8 months we gave them to not have to pay anything and get on their feet). She causes me no grief or strife. I enjoy having her near.

So that she would not be caught off guard I told her he was planning on telling her to leave. He never told her, but she has found someplace to go anyway. I'm happy for her. It breaks my heart, but I will not let her know that because it's breaking her heart and I don't want to make that worse.

I simply told her I'll be sad to see her go, but that it will all be for the best and she will be much happier. Then I told her that nothing will ever come between us... even when we live apart.

Nite World

Day 14: Lazy Days of Spring

It was a beautiful Spring day today. Not too hot... not too cold... just right.

I had a very emotional week and so I woke up exhausted. Hate that! Actually, I might also be suffering from some very mild allergies... I've had watery eyes for a couple of days (everyone keeps asking me if I'm crying), and a headache. So how I felt today could have something to do with that as well.

I took full advantage of the fact that I didn't have to go anywhere or do anything and I stayed in my jammies on the couch all day watching tv. I fell alseep, and woke up, and fell asleep and woke up. It was nice to not have to feel guilty about it.

We caught the horse this evening. We've had a pen trap set for him for about a week, and although he keeps going into the pen to eat and drink, until this afternoon we haven't been able to get the gate shut behind him.

I'm happy to announce that the horse is penned, and the owners have been called. They said they'll be out first thing a.m. to pick him up.

Well, I'm yawning... my head still hurts, and my body feels tired so I'm off to slumber...

So what do you think of my new background?

I hope everyone had a wonderful Saturday.

Nite World

Day 13: Validation - Redemption soon to follow

If you refer back a few posts, I had a problem at work because although my boss, the director, told me that although "unofficially" he considers that I'm in charge of my department... he neglected to let anyone else in on the secret.

To re-cap, I didn't feel it my place to walk into my dept and announce, "Oh... by the way ladies... I'm in charge here"... so I just held on to certain responsibilities that I believed the person in charge should be responsible for, delegated duties on a daily basis, etc. At one point I was concerned that I would lose my position of leadership and my boss very clearly stated "Don't let that happen"

I you read the post the day after that all occurred, you'll see that I broke down and "tattled". I know, it wasn't really like that, but that's just my way of saying that I went to him for aid in the situation which, actually, he had caused.

On Wednesday, he informed me that he had spoken with the girls on Monday on my behalf, to explain to them that I had not withheld anything from them in at attempt to be self-serving or self-promoting at their expense. He summed it up by stating "I think they're over their temper-tantrum".

I began to feel a bit better, hoping they no longer felt what they had spoken, and realized that they could trust me and that I still deserved their respect.

In an attempt to make sure it did not happen again, I decided to move a little more quickly on involving them in a project that my boss had challenged me with during my review. It is in writing... in my review... that he wanted me to re-design a specific data base that we use.

I decided that a good leader/manager/person in charge (whatever terminology you are used to) would invite feedback from those who use a tool most before re-designing it.

I put forth an e-mail. In the e-mail I spoke the truth when I indicated that I had been challenged with a project during my review to re-design the data base, and that I would welcome any suggestions they might have.

I indicated that I may not use all of their ideas, but that any I did use I would give them full credit for, and told them that I believed that since this was a tool used by all of us, all day long in the course of our duties, that it would be negligent of me to not take into consideration their input.

I worded much more simply than that... but that was the gist of it.

No sooner had I mailed out that e-mail, but the very next morning my boss sends an e-mail to our department, as if he had never spoken to me about the project, and challenges the department as a whole to send him their ideas on how to re-design the data base.

I sat there almost open-mouthed reading the e-mail and thought.... "Oh My God... it just happened again!"

The only thing I could think was "These ladies are going to think that I tried to possess a project that wasn't mine to possess... and that he always intended for us all to have input.... "

OMG!

This time I didn't stew on it. I didn't wait. I hit his office door immediately!

I pointed out to him what his e-mail made me look like. That it made it look like he had mentioned the project and I had tried to quickly take ownership of it, and use their ideas... I don't think he realized what I was saying because he asked "How does my e-mail do that?"

I didn't know what to say.... I couldn't find the words... I started to leave his office and he tried to call me back. He was concerned, he asked me to explain what I was feeling but I really had to try and calm down before I mis-spoke.

I went through the rest of the day asking myself... "What did I do to deserve the sabotage?" I self-assessed all day... "Am I acting mightier than thou and not realizing it and he feels the need to knock me down a peg or two?" I went through the gammit... I even wondered at one point "Am I placing my trust in a person I can't trust?" I came to the conclusion that he just really and honestly does not realize what trouble his actions over the past week have caused.

I started analyzing my position. I am no longer happy. That quickly... in one short week... my perfect position, surrounded by the perfect co-workers at the perfect company... went to shit!

I don't make as much money as I'm used to making. I'm salaried, but it comes out to about $3 less per hour than I'm used to making... but I've stayed because I am soooo happy that it makes it sooo worth it.

This past week I've opened my resume and updated it and was getting ready to put in an application for an underwriting position. I wasn't happy about it, but then I was no longer happy at my job and so I might as well make the money my resume is worth right?

In the e-mail that he sent yesterday he set a meeting time for 9:00 a.m. this morning.

We all went into the meeting. It went well. We all brought ideas to the table. The girls had some good ideas. We brainstormed and came up with what we would like to see as the end result.

When the meeting was done our boss asked everyone. "While we are all here, is there anything else you'd like to discuss?"

OMG! You could have heard a pin drop! The silence was absolutely deafening. The air in the room grew so suddenly thick it was obvious that there were issues, but nobody spoke up. Neither did I.

He was the one to break the silence. He looked at me and said "I need you to be the point person for this project." and then he continued. "I need you to organize this... I need you to put together that... " He told me, I'll need you to get those filters organized and tell the girls how you want them done.

He then turned to them and announced. "I don't know if I've made it clear to you how I think about (me) but she is my point person." "Although she's not officially in charge of the department, She's my go-to person. When I need something done I'm going to let her know and I trust that she's going to make sure it gets taken care of. All correspondence needs to go through her. If she tells you that you need to do something you can consider it comes from me..." and he went on.

I froze when he started. All I could do the entire speech was stare at my notes in front of me. I have no idea how it was received because I didn't look at them once. I didn't care how it was received. I only cared that he had voiced it... and that now it was real and not just something he said to me.

Whatever they were feeling over the past week... all of the cold shoulders and glares and blackouts they've sent toward me... I hope they realize now that I was only acting on what I had already been told.

Now things can calm down... and we can get back to normal.

As we all filed out of the conference room back toward our offices, I made sure to tell him "thank you." I wish I could explain in full detail to him what he did for me today, but it would come out sounding childish... petty and wrong and again... I honestly don't think he realized what he had done... and what I had been going through emotionally.

I decided to hold off on the resume and see how this all plays out now.

Nite World.... and... Thank God It's Friday!

Day 12: Too tired to be interesting tonight

I am exhausted. I've felt extremely emotional this past week and it's catching up with me.

There have been some new developments in the work saga/drama and I fully intend on posting about it, and there's tons more to tell about my dysfunctional childhood (it's a wonder I'm a sane adult.... oh wait.... am I?)

But for tonight I'll just post another awesome pic, say that I hope everyone had a wonderful day today, and that I hope everyone's tomorrow is fruitful and pleasant.

Thank God tomorrow is Friday!

I will add, I never realized how difficult it would be to keep a simple commitment like posting every night for 365 days. Sheesh.... If I'm going to accomplish this goal I'm going to have to get a little more organized about it.

It wouldn't seem that difficult.... so I realize that I have to somehow make this routine, rather than the after thought... Every night it's been the same... Yawn... Stretch... look at the clock and think about sleep then BING... oh crap! I haven't posted yet!

Or worse, falling asleep watching TV and waking up to drag myself to bed, only to jump back out of bed to come and quickly post.

If I keep up that pattern I'll never succeed at this.

Sweet Dreams World...

Day 11: The best place to begin....

The best place to begin? Why at the beginning of course!

I was born in New York in 1961 to an ultra conservative father in his 30's and an ultra liberal, ultra emotional, 15-year-old mother.

Years later I would learn that my mother married my father while she was still so young in an attempt to get away from her mother... a mistake I would repeat myself years later.

Aside from her age, my mother was the typical mother/housewife. My father was the "bread winner", not surprising as he was the epitome of male chauvinism. Am I exaggerating? My first and last name are the female counterparts of the only first and last name chosen. I was to be a son. That was all there was to it and my father would not even think about the possibility that his first child would be of the (wrinkles nose) female persuasion.

Although he was apparently surprised that I was lacking certain genitalia, he quickly warmed to me and I became "Daddy's" girl.

I can remember sitting on the bay window seat on dark snowy mornings watching Daddy shovel snow from behind the car in the driveway while in the kitchen my mother boiled milk for his hot chocolate.

I can remember my mother hollering at me to quiet down because when I would see him turn in the direction of the front door I would become so excited that I would squeal out loud with delight! "Daddy's coming! Mommy! Daddy's coming!"

He would always have a smile for me when he walked in the front door, no matter how few the moments were from the time he walked out, no matter how early in the morning it was, no matter how irritated he was with the heavy snow burying the car.

He would reach down and in one swift movement I would be up in his arms, face to face, one small chubby hand on either side of his face.

My mother would hand him his hot chocolate and he would bend and kiss the top of her forehead as he would gently stand me on my feet beside her with just the one arm.

My father was a very strong, handsome and proud man. He stood 6' 2", and was a very athletic 220 lbs. From what my mother said, there wasn't a woman who met Daddy who didn't flirt with him.

Daddy was smart too. He always told me that even though I had a genius IQ, that his IQ was higher and that he would always be smarter than me, so I guess that made him pretty darn intelligent.

We lived a nice life. A quiet life. A routine life. My father was a good Daddy. My mother was a good Mommy. At least long enough to give me some good memories. At least long enough for me to know what I was missing when it was gone.

I don't know when things changed. I don't know why things changed. They just did.

In reflecting back on my life, I've often theorized that my mother was simply too young to bear the responsibilities of being a mother to two small children, and the wife to an adult executive.

I'm not sure I would not have made some mistakes myself had I been in that situation. Although, by the time I was 12 my mother was forcing me into that situation because at that point she was done parenting and there were still 2 young children who needed a mother. But I'm jumping ahead of myself.

Where was I? Oh yeah... things changed.

Day 10: Bits and Pieces

I can imagine myself sitting in the outer lobby "waiting room" of a psychologist's office.

Clipboard in lap, pen in hand, staring blankly at the questionnaire that requires I reveal things that I fully intend to make the person on the other side of the waiting room door "drag" out of me.

"This isn't fair! If I tell them everything on this piece of paper then how are they going to prove to me that they know anything? THEY need to tell me this if they want me to trust them!

I stare at the empty check boxes... Should I be honest? Should I withhold? Why am I here in the first place? Is this going to help? Nope.. so why am I here... yet again?

Seriously, why DO they ask all these questions up front? Is one of those office "managers" going to take a look at my answers and determine whether I am worthy of attention? Will I walk through the door into the "inner sanctum" only to find a straight jacket awaiting me dependent upon my answers?

And why ARE there so many questions that require me to answer exactly the same, although they think they are being tricky with different wording?

Question #11: Have you ever been the victim of abuse: (Check all that apply)

Physical Abuse - check
Verbal Abuse - check
Emotional Abuse - check
Sexual Abuse - check

Seriously... where is the "all of the above" checkbox?

Question #17: Please check all family members who are alcoholics

Mother - check
Father - check
Paternal Grandmother - nope
Paternal Grandfather - check
Maternal Grandmother - check
Maternal Grandfather - check
Maternal Step Grandfather #1 - check
Maternal Step Grandfather #'s 2-8 - check

Again... where is the "all of the above" checkbox?

This seriously feels like an invasion of my privacy! This isn't what I had imagined. I imagined a caring person, wanting to get to know me. Wanting to find out all of these things in due time. As I was ready to trust. You know... Quid Pro Quo. You show me I can trust you... then I reveal a part of my misery... then we work on it... deal with it... I feel better about it so I give you a little more of me... so we can work on it... deal with it, a wonderful loop, I continue to feel you care and want to help... you continue to get your funding... it's a win-win.

What? The State School system says I only have 3 sessions? At not even an hour per session (the timer always goes off at 45 minutes). So I'm supposed to completely trust you, divulge all my nasty misery and you are going to heal me in 3 hours... oh wait... my mistake... 145 minutes is only 2 hours and 20 minutes.

I walk up to the 12 inch long counter top and hand the woman behind the sliding window the clipboard and pen. She smiles a fake smile, and begins to skim over the blank sheet.

Before she can look back up to question I am out the door.

Day 9: A very very LAZY day... I didn't do a darn thing!

I don't know if I mentioned this in a previous blog, but I work 4-10's with Mondays off.

Today I didn't do a darn thing all day! Okay, well I did the dishes, and played Last Chaos, and watched some movies, and helped set a trap to catch a loose horse...

But other than that... I was just flat lazy all day!

I fell asleep on the couch watching tv again, and just woke up realizing that I better start blogging earlier or I'm going to break my commitment to myself simply because I fall asleep. And that... would really irritate me.... to break it for a reason like that.

Our neighbor's horse got away from them 3 days after they bought it. It's been hanging around our place because we also have horses. When I say neighbor by the way.... they are about a quarter mile away. Oh yeah... did I ever mention I live in a valley in the middle of the desert?

Anyway, we've been trying to lure this horse into a pen, and for two weekends in a row the neighbors have invited friends over with horses and they've been trying to catch the horse.

It finally got thirsty enough today to drink water out of my cupped hands, and allow me to reach up and touch him. I was able to lure him into the trap pen... but I made no attempt to close him in. It was just me and he's already gone right through and right over other attempts to catch him, so I just lured him in so that he would get comfortable coming into the pen for food and water.

A couple more days of him getting comfortable in there and we'll try to shut the gates behind him.

It's not easy, they aren't on hinges... they are just panels, and so they drag on the ground.

But.. that's all I did today.

I hope everyone had a wonderful day.

Nite World

Day 8: Short and Sweet

Had a good day today at the company outing. I'm not really good at social interaction, so I was pretty much quiet, but it went well and I didn't embarrass or humiliate myself.

Most of the day was spent looking for my key-less remote entry "clicker". Thank goodness we found it right before we left the park. I knew it was there, it had to be, I locked the car with it when we got out...

I'm exhausted... I got a little sun today and it was very warm so I'm really tired. I bought a sunscreen level 70 before we went, and I had it on, but I'm still a little pink on my cheeks... my skin cancer doctor is going to be very upset with me if I end up with any more... well... actually so am I!

Anyway, short for tonight. I hope every one has wonderful Monday tomorrow.

Nite World

Day 7: Okay, so I'm a tattle tale.... argh

I say that because although I kept telling myself I was not going to do it... I was not going to do it... I did it.

I sent an e-mail to my boss letting him know what happened and why.

He sent me an email back that said he would address the situation and that we needed to "chat".

Okay... so now this could be good or it could be bad. Either he will decide to make my "authority" known to my fellow co-workers, or he will rescind it. It could go either way.

Ever since the day my daughter was born, I have been a very strong personality! I have been able to stand up for myself, my beliefs, etc. And yes... I can pinpoint it to that very day (another blog... another day).

But the reason I "became" a strong personality was because I was not one before. I was bullied all through my school career... from 1st grade through the 8th grade when my mother divorced my father and I changed schools.

I can remember taking issues to authority and having those people in authority attempt to help... and I remember it only made matters worse. I was then tagged a "tattle tale" as well as every other name they threw at me.

Now I find myself an adult... in a management position at my job... supposedly in charge of my department... and I feel as if I'm in school all over again.

I am feeling very critical of myself that I was not able to handle the situation without feeling the need to recruit assistance from my boss, and fearful of the results and consequences of that recruitment.

If he was not making my "leadership" role known because he was testing me first... have I now failed?

There is a company bar-b-que tomorrow that I had planned on attending, but I'm still feeling emotionally scarred by Friday's events and I'm not sure if my attendance would result in the relief of my stress, or the addition of more stress. I won't know until I get there and am around these people and my boss... I may back out because I know the only sure thing is that if I don't attend I won't spend the day uncomfortable. (did that make any sense?)

Well, it's late and I fell asleep on the couch watching a movie. I stumbled into bed and then remembered that I had not posted yet so I'm back to bed, perchance to dream.

Nite World

Day 6: Thank God It's Friday - Seriously

I had the WORST day ever at work today! Here it is 10:36 at night and I'm still reeling from it.

The backstory:

I've worked at this company for 2-1/2 years. I started in one position, and applied for and received a promotion into a management position in October of 2008. Myself and two other employees were given a "trial period", with the understanding that only two of us were going to receive a promotion. I ended up being one of the two. Approximately 6 months after that the other employee turned in his resignation, and that left only me.

For approximately 6 months I was the only person in the position and then we had another employee, who could medically no longer do her position, request to be temporarily placed in the position. Since it was actually supposed to be a multi-person department it worked well. She needed the break from her job, we needed another person. I trained her for the position.

A 2nd and 3rd permanent position were posted and the temporary employee and one other girl were hired, I spent a week or two training the other girl for the position. Now we are three.

While it was only myself, my boss mentioned one day that he felt badly that my department was poorly neglected. I never felt that. I appreciate being told what is expected of me and then being left alone to do it. I do not do well under "micro-management" and so where he felt he was neglecting the department, I felt he was trusting me to do my job.

I mentioned to him, half serious and half joking, that he should make me the department manager and told him that would ensure that anybody he hired after me would be managed and he would no longer have to feel that the department was neglected.

Shortly after our conversation, he informed me that he had mentioned my proposal to his boss, the Vice President of our company.

It was after that that the other two employees were hired. I had my review shortly after they were hired and during that review my boss informed me that although the budget did not allow him to create a "new" position, that as far as he was concerned "You run the department".

In my review he put in writing that I had assumed a leadership role in the department, and that he would like to see me further that.

Now... I never mentioned to the other women who were hired that he had said that. I never told them it was written in my review that I was in charge. I did not feel that my place, I believe it to be his.

Believing myself to be "in charge", there were certain responsibilities that were given to me, that were not extended to the other employees, that I chose not to voluntarily extend to them or train them on.

Very simple things. Infinitesimal things. Things of no importance as to who performed them...

I was out ill on Tue and Wed and when I returned yesterday, although there was a lot of playing around in the office, I felt unease and could not put my finger on it.

Today I realized very quickly that I was being given the cold shoulder by my fellow co-workers. Actually, that is a very mild statement to try and describe the extent of the "black out" I was experiencing. I was being completely and totally ignored to the point that it was extremely obvious.

I began to feel very irritated. I began feeling very defensive and wondered why on Earth would these two girls be upset with me? What on Earth could I have done that would illicit such passive/aggressive behavior from them toward me.

I got up from my desk and took a short break and when I returned I confronted them.

I asked them if there was a problem. To my surprise (even though I knew there was) the reaction I got was two very stone faced women staring me down.

So I pursued. "What is it?" I asked.

Apparently, while I was gone, they asked my boss if he could perform one of the tasks that I still performed myself, for them, when they needed. He told them they could do that themselves and showed them how they could access the tools to do it. But that's not all. He then made fun of them for not knowing how to do it... (he's a prankster that way... he likes to tease and push buttons). One of the girls told me that he claimed they were lying about not being "allowed" to perform those tasks.

As soon as she said "allowed" to perform those tasks I felt embarrassed and ashamed because I had never intended it to "come off like that".

Here's the problem. Although they were very simple things, now I am perceived as being sneaky, conniving and controlling...

Another thing I have always done, even before the other employee left, is to give a class to our new trainees on Wednesdays every week. When I had my surgery in January, the other girl (still a temp at the time) gave the class once. I never considered this would change, and that one of the other two women could give the class if I am not available; however, now I have been stripped of that duty as well by these women.

I was TOLD that they will be taking turns giving the class. Because my boss has never voiced "my authority"... I have no recourse. I can not state "No, I will continue to give the class unless I am unable"

In my review it states that I am the point person for the department. This morning I decided to follow up on an e-mail sent by one of the women to one of our supervisors. I went out and began a discussion with the supervisor asking her how she trains her team members. As point person for the department, that would be expected of me, but because this is an unstated "state of being"... it was simply considered one more "tick" towards my being sneaking, conniving and controlling.

In one single day, by one simple act, I have lost the respect of my co-workers, I have lost the trust of my co-workers, and I have been stripped of all my "un-stated" authority and I can't do a thing about it.

How do I know I've lost their trust and respect? Simple... they told me so.

For the first time in 2-1/2 years, I think the Lord is getting ready to move me. I hope I like my next job as much as I've loved this one.

Day 5: Back to work... Laughed hard... ate good... exhausted

This is going to be short because I'm flat exhausted and am going to bed.

Tonight was the first night I almost didn't post... I almost broke my commitment to 365 days of posts.

Then I remembered that I'm doing this for me and although I made the rules, and therefore can break the rules, I really want to do this. Unless my computer breaks, or my internet goes down, I can find a few moments every night to post a quick post.

I went back to work today although I still didn't feel very well. I wasn't having the intenstinal or stomach problems, but the headache is still present, although tolerable at this point.

I had soooo much fun at work today and still managed to get my work done. My boss decided to get involved in a prank that's been ongoing between two of my co-workers, and so he opened it up for even more of us to get involved. The day ended with us (myself and the two other girls in my department) getting the one up on him BIG TIME!

He's such a good sport! It's not over... we know he has retribution planned and we already have our return prank planned... in fact... we have the next three or four planned.

This should be fun through the summer, or until it gets boring. Right now it's us 1... boss Zip. I'll keep you posted.

It all started when we moved into our new office (the three of us in my dept.) There was this very frail and flimsy desk top file organizer made of metal wires left in the office and none of us had any use for it. As there are 3 of us crammed into one office, and women at that, we definitely don't want any clutter so one of the other girls took the thing into the office next door and set it on the desk to be funny.

Well, he didn't want it either and so it showed back in our office. This went on between them for about a week with them beginning to hide it in the offices. Finally, the girl in my dept who started this hid it so well in the other office that it remained hidden for a week.

He finally found it today. She declared herself the winner... and she is of course because it took him a week to find it, but our boss returned it to us... LOL LOL. He came and stood in our doorway just standing there, not saying anything, and then when we turned away for just a moment he reached in and set it behind the other girl in our dept.'s monitor on her desk and then he (in her words) ran like a little girl LOL LOL.

Soooo... we recruited some help (maintenance) and while our boss was giving the weekly staff meeting, he was hanging it from his ceiling in his office.

Like I said... Us 3 girls 1.... Boss Zip

I laughed so hard though through it all, especially when he found it and declared "WAR!"... that my headache came back full force and has been hanging out ever since...

I ate good tonight for the first time in 2 days. Hubby informed me on the way to work that we were having dinner with a friend of his from work after work... WOW is that a weird sentence... did I say the word work enough?

Problem with that is that when you live 1-1/2 hours from home, we didn't even walk in the door until 10:30.... so that's why I almost didn't post tonight.

Going to bed now... to sleep well I hope... and to dream sweet I hope....

Nite World

Day 4: Another Sick Day... the AC fixed.. Hubby confronted

Well, last night, after bouncing it back and forth around in my head, I just out of the blue asked him... "Are you starting to get the urge to visit those porn sites again with little girls on them?"

Of course he said "NO!". Of course I knew he would say "no" but at least if he was visiting those sites that I saw in his history, then he knows that I know... and sometimes that's just enough to throw something off course.

I stayed home AGAIN today... well actually I didn't stay home.. I came home. I have an hour-and-a-half commute both ways. Yep thats there and again back LOL. I was on the road an hour and only made it from 187th to 115th because I had to stop twice to find a public restroom.

After the second stop I called my boss and told him I wasn't going to make it. I'll get there tomorrow for sure, even if I don't feel any better.

Yesterday while I was home sick I noticed that I was sweating my buns off. I figured it was because I didn't feel good. Then it got even hotter so I checked the thermostat and although it was set at 75, it was 80 in the house. Not a good sign.

Called the landlord who called repair and said they could not get here until today. They didn't come until 3:30 though... waited all day... sweating all day... but they did finally get here and it's fixed and all is cool..... literally as well as figuratively.

I'm a huge gamer. I love all games but mostly computer games. Right now I'm very involved in an online role playing game called Last Chaos. It's a free game, not a monthly membership.

It's my "alter ego"... my "second life" by the way, I clicked into the game "Second Life" one time and hated it LOL. I'd rather ride dragons and use magic to kill monsters LOL.

When I was growing up I had something very similar that I used to "escape" my horrid reality... it was a series of books by Ann McAfrey (I don't know if I spelled her last name correctly) called Dragon Riders of Pern. I was able to get lost in that series. Now, all these years later, I'm engrossed in an online game where I get to ride a dragon. The main character in the first part of the series is a girl named Lessa. She ends up bonding with a Gold Dragon named Rammoth. My dragon's name in Last Chaos is, of course, Rammoth. How unoriginal, but this time I don't care.

Right now, even as I am writing tonight's post, I'm leveling her up so that I can mount her (that doesn't sound right... but it's game terminology - or horse rider's terminology).

She only gets 3 points for every 2 hits I make on a monster so it takes a very long time to level the pets up to mount. I already have my horse at level 37 and can ride it, and I'm at 4195 of 13350 needed to bring Rammoth to level 37. You can mount at level 31, but you lose a lot of the power if you don't wait.

Inconsequential ramblings tonight. Really nothing but at least I posted. I have a long way to go to stick to this commitment so I've got a lot to say. I just don't want to say it all in the first month because then I'll have nothing but boring patter to post for the next 11.

Nite world...

Day 3: Just another day.... Just me..... nuff said!

I woke up on and off all night with a throbbing headache and stomach cramps. When the alarm went off this morning at 4:00 a.m. I woke up with the same symptoms and so decided to call into work sick.

I hate doing that. It feels like I'm doing something wrong by staying home.

Funny thing is... I used to have absolutely the WORST work ethic! When I was younger I would stay home at the drop of a hat! "Ooops! I have an eyelash in my eye... I need to call in sick!" "Oh Nooo... that lock of hair won't stay where I want it to... I need to call in sick!" (laughs at self)

It's one of two things. Either I've matured or I finally have the right job and work for the right company, surrounded by the right co-workers.

Whichever doesn't matter, the point is that now if I stay home from work it's legitimate, but I always FEEL like I'm playing hookie! I always feel like I'm doing something wrong.

Well, I decided to keep my mouth shut for a while about what I found on my husband's computer. I don't feel like undergoing any confrontation right now. I'm drained when it comes to that issue anyway. I don't know anything else to say about it... I don't know what else to do about it.

If I don't eventually leave him, I'll have to deal with it all again when/if there are grandchildren. That frightens me, but makes me even sicker to my stomach than I am right this minute so I push it aside for the time being and try to go on with my daily life.

If I were to ever leave... it would have to be a "stealth-mode special ops" situation. I would have to get everything ready before hand and then just go. There's a lot involved when you've been with someone for 16 years.

Soooo. Happy or not I just stay.

Some days are happy. Some days he is just such a great person that it helps me forget.

Some days.

Day 2: What do I do now???

Wow... day 2 and I already have my first trauma to share. That was quick! Let me give some back story. I've been with the same man since 1994. 16 years! I've been unhappy and wanting to leave for the past 12.

First... the "why haven't I?"

Because every time I make a move to leave he gets so extremely co-dependent and panicky that it's almost frightening. He BEGS me to stay for days on end. It puts him in such an emotional turmoil that it makes me feel horrible. He cries real honest to goodness heart-wrenching sobbing that breaks my heart and makes me feel as if I'm the most horrible person in the world for wanting to be free of him and look for my own happiness.

He becomes "super husband". He draws me baths... cooks for me... brushes my hair... gives me fully body rub downs... even while I am acting numb and like a wet rag.... I do not encourage any of the behavior... I don't take advantage of the special attention.... but it is lavished on me until I agree to give him another chance.

Time before last... in June of 2007, when I attempted to leave, he held me captive. Neither of us were working so it was easy for him. He hid my car keys, had my cell phone shut off, and would not let me leave or out of his sight for a week straight. During that week he begged and sobbed and promised. During that week I sat on the couch curled up in a ball NUMB, not giving in.... until I was so emotionally drained by his emotions that I could not breathe another breath.

I'm a Christian and he kept telling me to pray about it and see if the Lord really wanted me to leave. Being a Christian... I know that I am not supposed to be the one who leaves. I can allow him to leave... but I can not leave unless he abuses me or cheats on me.

At that point I did not care. I was not listening... and did not want to listen... to the Bible. I wanted to leave. He finally broke me down. I had no strength left emotionally to stand my ground and so I caved.

The last time I tried to leave was in October of 2008. I was a bit stronger that time and did not allow him to hold me captive. Or maybe he didn't try because my daughter was living with us at the time. I had just been promoted at work and refused to allow anything to jeopardize that position.

That was when he turned into super husband. I got a dozen roses once a week. I had a bubble bath waiting for me when I got home every night... my hair washed.. a full body rub down... food prepared for me... the works. It would have been lovely had it all not been orchestrated to manipulate me into staying. And the emotional aspect of it was back again too... his emotional turmoil breaking my heart.

Okay... now the "why do I want to leave?"

My daughter is 21 years-old. When she was 11 she started telling me some things. She started telling me that my husband was trying to get her into situations where he could see her naked and/or that she would see him naked.

STOP RIGHT HERE.... listen carefully.... he never touched her. That would make this a completely different story with a completely different ending.

When she told me, I listened carefully to her. I did not discredit what she was saying. I did not place any blame on her. I was very careful to investigate everything thoroughly before I confronted him and while I was investigating I did everything I could to protect her from further situations.

Everything that is except leave.

She asked me not to. In fact, she begged me not to. She did not want us to lose our home, she did not want to change schools. She did not want to move away from her friends. And strange as it may seem, she did not want him out of our life..... She just wanted me to make it stop.

At the time I did not know the full scope. She did not tell me until years later that it had been going on since she was 5.... since he first came into our lives. She did not tell me that at 11/12 years of age she finally got sick enough of it to speak up to me. It made her more angry than it made her feel abused.

When I first found out, with her asking me not to leave him, just make it stop. I confronted him, told him that I knew, told him it needed to stop, and then I proceeded to spend every year of my life after that protecting her from him.

I put foil over her bedroom windows from the inside. After finding a peep hole from our bathroom into her bedroom I began checking her walls constantly. I only ever found the one. Every time that he would go outside at night to smoke a cigarette, I made sure that I followed him out because if I was late getting out there he'd be standing by her bedroom window smoking. I empowered her. I told her "If he does anything like that... or says anything to you like that... you tell him to his face NO!" and then immediately tell me and I'll take care of it.

Whenever "incidents" would occur she would immediately tell me and I would immediately confront him. He would always deny of course... but I didn't let him get away with denying. I let him know constantly that I knew he had this voyeurism problem... and that I wasn't going to let him get away with it, but every time I wanted to leave... she would ask me not to.

I realize now that children have this uncanny potential for forgiveness, especially toward those of us in parental roles.

We lived for years like this.... stress... chaos.... turmoil... emotionally draining for me to always stand in the middle trying my best to be a barrier between a pedophile voyeur and my daughter.

The only things that saved him were that he never made any physical contact. I constantly was asking her, she constantly told me "No... he has never touched me." And... the one time he made an attempt by telling her "she could touch "IT" if she wanted to"... when she said "NO!" he accepted no as her answer.

For years I lived with this. We kept it quiet... you know... one of those families that does not talk about the skeleton in the closet... although this skeleton actually wasn't in the closet at all... he was in every room with us.

I kept it quiet to protect myself from judgment. I knew I should have left him IMMEDIATELY. No ifs... ands or buts... the longer I stayed and lived with it, the heavier my guilt and shame grew and the harsher my judgment of myself grew and I didn't need to hear that judgment from anybody else!

I kept it quiet to protect him from the harsh judgment of his family and friends. Believe it or not... he's a nice guy. Friendly, funny, sweet and caring when he wants to be. I didn't want his friends and family knowing about his evil wicked sickness. Believe it or not... yep... I know.... why would I care? Why wouldn't I want him punished to the fullest extent by having him have to face those he cared about the most in life and know that they KNEW about his sin?

In June of 2007, when I told him I wanted a divorce, it was because he had been complaining that our sex life had hit the toilet and he was unsatisfied. I finally couldn't stand it any longer and so I was honest with him about why.

For the first time in all those years of living with it, in quiet tones... just making sure my daughter was protected from his sickness, confronting him on occasion, him denying and then just continuing on being a barrier between them.... I finally confronted him in his face that I could not stand being with him sexually because of all of it!

I told him the truth. I told him that I was not in love with him anymore and had not been for years. That the thought of being sexual with him turned my stomach! That he had made our sex life feel filthy with his perversion. That his guilt had become mine and that I could not live with it anymore.

That was step 1 to him trying to apologize to my daughter. He did not do so because I insisted that he did... he did it after praying and being told to by the Lord.

His first apology was, of course, half-assed because he was still in denial himself. He knew he needed to apologize to her and he did. He apologized in tears, with true remorse, but never openly admitted what he was apologizing for. It was kind of an "open/generic" apology.

I spoke to her on the phone after... (his phone because he had already shut mine off when I said I was leaving)... and she was truly moved. In tears she told me that she truly believed he was sorry and that she could finally forgive him.

I could breath... finally.... after all those years, we were confronting it openly and dealing with it.

Against my better judgment, I agreed to stay with him and give our marriage a chance to heal. In fact, all four of us moved in together. Myself and my husband, my daughter and her fiance. We lived together a year-and-a-half, and I watched a relationship beginning to grow between my daughter and husband. A healthy, father/daughter relationship and my heart was light, although I kept watching... carefully.... suspiciously for any signs of trouble.

In September of 2008, my husband found a social networking site designed for women who want breast augmentation. (another blog another time). We began networking on the site and I ended up meeting some men who became my friends. One of these friends I instantly clicked with and I began to look forward to seeing his messages to me. When I felt it beginning to happen I SAT MY HUSBAND DOWN and said... "Hey, one of the guys on this site is making me feel things I haven't felt in a very long time and I'd like you and I to work on our marriage so that I feel those things with you."

Yep... honest to God I really honestly did. Know what he said? "Of course these guys are going to make you feel wonderful... they don't know the real you." I was insulted and crushed. Soooo... I kept building the relationship with this guy. I knew it was only make believe because my husband was right... these guys didn't know the real me... only what I presented to them in messages and blogs... but damn! It made me feel good to feel like someone was interested in me, and feelings of sexual arrousal surfaced that I didn't know still existed in me.

One night I left to run an errand and left my web site open on my computer. I really didn't have anything to hide. There was really nothing going on but some flirting... and I had already told my husband about it... given him fair warning... a fair chance to make it us instead of me and him.... But when my husband read the messages back and forth he recognized an intimacy that he hadn't taken seriously when I first mentioned it to him.

Of course, he reacted very jealously and seriously. But then he made the following statement... "I think we need to get divorced."

Hallelujah!!! I immediately agreed. Maybe too quickly... because he then took it all back. I wasn't going to lose the opportunity that quickly though and so I didn't take it back and here we went again... co-dependent panic. (the super husband days).

During that month or two, when I wanted a divorce and he was trying to beg me out of it, I brought up the voyerism again. I told him that no matter how hard I had tried to forgive him that I had not been able to. I told him that I carried guilt myself because I had never vindicated my daughter.

I sat him down, IN FRONT OF MY DAUGHTER and I finally, finally, after all these years, YELLED IN HIS FACE!! "HOW DARE YOU DO THAT TO MY DAUGHTER!" "HOW DARE YOU DO THAT TO ME?"

I came UNGLUED! I screamed and screamed and screamed. I opened the floodgate and let him have it all. He sat and took every bit of it. He never once denied. He never once defended. My daughter sat and cried... but I finally stood up for her... so that she could see. I finally defended her so that she could see. I actually lost my voice I screamed so loud and so long. Then I turned to her... and begged her forgiveness!

She gave it to me.

Then he turned to her and asked her to forgive him.

She gave it to him.

I couldn't leave then. I had to give him a chance at forgiveness. I had to give our marriage a chance at forgiveness. I had to give them the chance to build a GOOD relationship.

Okay, that's enough back story... now for my dilemma.

For the past two years, ever since that day, I've been trying my hardest to forgive. I've tried my hardest to be a wife to a husband. I've tried my hardest to allow this man to be my husband and not just my friend.

I'm still not happy though. I was hoping that day would FLUSH my soul, but it didn't. I was hoping that once I got my breast augmentation that I would feel sexually revived (NOT WHY I GOT THE SURGERY... just hoping it would revive my sense of sexuality with my husband)... it didn't.

My daughter and I talked yesterday. She sees that I am not happy. She knows I am not happy being married to him. She broached the subject and said... "Remember when I kept asking you not to leave him? I'm sorry and if you ever want to leave him you can." I told her it would not be fair or right to leave someone for a sin so long ago that they've been forgiven of. I told her that is not who he is now... it is who he was then and that I am the one who has to deal with the problem of not being able to get past it.

She asked me if I was sure that it is not who he is now... I said "yes." She said "Mom... I don't have any more problems with him because I'm not a kid anymore... his thing is with little girls..... and I'm not one anymore...."

I instantly got this very sick feeling. I used to check up on him on his computer all the time looking for those kiddie porn sites he used to frequent. It's been years since I found something and so I finally began to trust again and stopped looking.

He was home alone on Friday. I got into his computer today and looked at his history and bookmarks.

The first site I came across was an adult site and I breathed a sigh of relief... funny... years and years ago that would have been enough to send me packing... I would have been insulted and jealous... but I was relieved that it was all adult women.

Then I came across some history from last week... "young"... "virgin".... "gay incest father and son?".... all from last week which means on Friday when he was home alone. So the problem appears to not be gone.

Oh My God.... what do I do now?

Day 1 - Introductions, you know... the formalities

I watched the movie Julie and Julia for the first time earlier today and it inspired me to blog daily for at least 365 days. I would have loved to have been Julie, to really DO something during these 365 days, but unfortunately, I'm just not THAT motivated... plus with 3 hours of commute daily (yep... that's an hour-and-a-half each way), trying to create a gourmet meal after work every night of the week would have us eating at midnight... and Julie already did it anyway LOL.

What inspired me was that she says it was "therapeutic" for her. That it made her a better person... well... I definitely need therapy LOL... and I definitely could be a better person LOL! How could making a commitment to posting a blog daily for 365 days be therapeutic for me? Well.... I'm not very good at practicing openness... I've got this self-erected hedge around me... oh, did I mention that hedge is hidden behind a brick wall? Well, since I'm divulging... I guess I should also mention that brick wall is hidden behind a steel reinforced bomb-shelter.... I could continue with the stupid metaphors... but I'm pretty sure you get the point.

Regardless of the stupid metaphors, I need to practice allowing myself to be vulnerable... out there... transparent. I need to share myself and just take my chances that I could get slammed, rejected, maybe even made fun of by doing so.... seems I always do, but I need to deal with that as it comes. With that said, I'm beginning this in a contradiction because I'm starting this anonymously. Yes... for my protection. I'll work on being more vulnerable as I go, I mean, that's the whole point of this exercise.

Enough foreplay... let's get down to it shall we (the introductions that is).. I'm female. 48 (49 this July). I have a 21-year-old daughter who is my heart, my pride and joy, and I'm married. I'm in a management position at my job and I LOVE MY JOB. Yep... really!

I was born in New York in a little place called Waverly that I've never seen on the map. My parents relocated to Arizona right before I turned 5 and I've pretty much lived here ever since. I spent 2 years in Colorado and 1 year in Montana then returned to Arizona.

I HATE Arizona! I hate the heat! I hate the cactus! I hate the desert! Why do I stay? I don't freakin know!! I guess it's just too hard to move to another state when you have spent your whole life somewhere.

I love animals, but only the soft furry ones that I can cuddle with. I'm not into reptiles. I think birds are beautiful, but I can't stand to see them caged. I think fish are beautiful, but I think they are too much work for just "looking" at them.

I love contemporary Christian music, and the music that is popular on the radio today. I do NOT like gangsta rap, but I love the old rap (MC Hammer type stuff). I do NOT like country western music, although there are a couple of songs I do like. I love a lot of the songs by Pink, Fergie, and Alanis, but my fav vocalist right now is Rob Thomas. There's just something about his voice that soothes me.

Okay, that's a start on being open and transparent and introducing myself... a little anyway. I have no idea what I'll post tomorrow. I don't know if I'll actually end up posting every single day for 365 days... but that's the intention so (shrugs)... I guess time will tell.

Good night world! Sleep well!