Day 2: What do I do now???

Wow... day 2 and I already have my first trauma to share. That was quick! Let me give some back story. I've been with the same man since 1994. 16 years! I've been unhappy and wanting to leave for the past 12.

First... the "why haven't I?"

Because every time I make a move to leave he gets so extremely co-dependent and panicky that it's almost frightening. He BEGS me to stay for days on end. It puts him in such an emotional turmoil that it makes me feel horrible. He cries real honest to goodness heart-wrenching sobbing that breaks my heart and makes me feel as if I'm the most horrible person in the world for wanting to be free of him and look for my own happiness.

He becomes "super husband". He draws me baths... cooks for me... brushes my hair... gives me fully body rub downs... even while I am acting numb and like a wet rag.... I do not encourage any of the behavior... I don't take advantage of the special attention.... but it is lavished on me until I agree to give him another chance.

Time before last... in June of 2007, when I attempted to leave, he held me captive. Neither of us were working so it was easy for him. He hid my car keys, had my cell phone shut off, and would not let me leave or out of his sight for a week straight. During that week he begged and sobbed and promised. During that week I sat on the couch curled up in a ball NUMB, not giving in.... until I was so emotionally drained by his emotions that I could not breathe another breath.

I'm a Christian and he kept telling me to pray about it and see if the Lord really wanted me to leave. Being a Christian... I know that I am not supposed to be the one who leaves. I can allow him to leave... but I can not leave unless he abuses me or cheats on me.

At that point I did not care. I was not listening... and did not want to listen... to the Bible. I wanted to leave. He finally broke me down. I had no strength left emotionally to stand my ground and so I caved.

The last time I tried to leave was in October of 2008. I was a bit stronger that time and did not allow him to hold me captive. Or maybe he didn't try because my daughter was living with us at the time. I had just been promoted at work and refused to allow anything to jeopardize that position.

That was when he turned into super husband. I got a dozen roses once a week. I had a bubble bath waiting for me when I got home every night... my hair washed.. a full body rub down... food prepared for me... the works. It would have been lovely had it all not been orchestrated to manipulate me into staying. And the emotional aspect of it was back again too... his emotional turmoil breaking my heart.

Okay... now the "why do I want to leave?"

My daughter is 21 years-old. When she was 11 she started telling me some things. She started telling me that my husband was trying to get her into situations where he could see her naked and/or that she would see him naked.

STOP RIGHT HERE.... listen carefully.... he never touched her. That would make this a completely different story with a completely different ending.

When she told me, I listened carefully to her. I did not discredit what she was saying. I did not place any blame on her. I was very careful to investigate everything thoroughly before I confronted him and while I was investigating I did everything I could to protect her from further situations.

Everything that is except leave.

She asked me not to. In fact, she begged me not to. She did not want us to lose our home, she did not want to change schools. She did not want to move away from her friends. And strange as it may seem, she did not want him out of our life..... She just wanted me to make it stop.

At the time I did not know the full scope. She did not tell me until years later that it had been going on since she was 5.... since he first came into our lives. She did not tell me that at 11/12 years of age she finally got sick enough of it to speak up to me. It made her more angry than it made her feel abused.

When I first found out, with her asking me not to leave him, just make it stop. I confronted him, told him that I knew, told him it needed to stop, and then I proceeded to spend every year of my life after that protecting her from him.

I put foil over her bedroom windows from the inside. After finding a peep hole from our bathroom into her bedroom I began checking her walls constantly. I only ever found the one. Every time that he would go outside at night to smoke a cigarette, I made sure that I followed him out because if I was late getting out there he'd be standing by her bedroom window smoking. I empowered her. I told her "If he does anything like that... or says anything to you like that... you tell him to his face NO!" and then immediately tell me and I'll take care of it.

Whenever "incidents" would occur she would immediately tell me and I would immediately confront him. He would always deny of course... but I didn't let him get away with denying. I let him know constantly that I knew he had this voyeurism problem... and that I wasn't going to let him get away with it, but every time I wanted to leave... she would ask me not to.

I realize now that children have this uncanny potential for forgiveness, especially toward those of us in parental roles.

We lived for years like this.... stress... chaos.... turmoil... emotionally draining for me to always stand in the middle trying my best to be a barrier between a pedophile voyeur and my daughter.

The only things that saved him were that he never made any physical contact. I constantly was asking her, she constantly told me "No... he has never touched me." And... the one time he made an attempt by telling her "she could touch "IT" if she wanted to"... when she said "NO!" he accepted no as her answer.

For years I lived with this. We kept it quiet... you know... one of those families that does not talk about the skeleton in the closet... although this skeleton actually wasn't in the closet at all... he was in every room with us.

I kept it quiet to protect myself from judgment. I knew I should have left him IMMEDIATELY. No ifs... ands or buts... the longer I stayed and lived with it, the heavier my guilt and shame grew and the harsher my judgment of myself grew and I didn't need to hear that judgment from anybody else!

I kept it quiet to protect him from the harsh judgment of his family and friends. Believe it or not... he's a nice guy. Friendly, funny, sweet and caring when he wants to be. I didn't want his friends and family knowing about his evil wicked sickness. Believe it or not... yep... I know.... why would I care? Why wouldn't I want him punished to the fullest extent by having him have to face those he cared about the most in life and know that they KNEW about his sin?

In June of 2007, when I told him I wanted a divorce, it was because he had been complaining that our sex life had hit the toilet and he was unsatisfied. I finally couldn't stand it any longer and so I was honest with him about why.

For the first time in all those years of living with it, in quiet tones... just making sure my daughter was protected from his sickness, confronting him on occasion, him denying and then just continuing on being a barrier between them.... I finally confronted him in his face that I could not stand being with him sexually because of all of it!

I told him the truth. I told him that I was not in love with him anymore and had not been for years. That the thought of being sexual with him turned my stomach! That he had made our sex life feel filthy with his perversion. That his guilt had become mine and that I could not live with it anymore.

That was step 1 to him trying to apologize to my daughter. He did not do so because I insisted that he did... he did it after praying and being told to by the Lord.

His first apology was, of course, half-assed because he was still in denial himself. He knew he needed to apologize to her and he did. He apologized in tears, with true remorse, but never openly admitted what he was apologizing for. It was kind of an "open/generic" apology.

I spoke to her on the phone after... (his phone because he had already shut mine off when I said I was leaving)... and she was truly moved. In tears she told me that she truly believed he was sorry and that she could finally forgive him.

I could breath... finally.... after all those years, we were confronting it openly and dealing with it.

Against my better judgment, I agreed to stay with him and give our marriage a chance to heal. In fact, all four of us moved in together. Myself and my husband, my daughter and her fiance. We lived together a year-and-a-half, and I watched a relationship beginning to grow between my daughter and husband. A healthy, father/daughter relationship and my heart was light, although I kept watching... carefully.... suspiciously for any signs of trouble.

In September of 2008, my husband found a social networking site designed for women who want breast augmentation. (another blog another time). We began networking on the site and I ended up meeting some men who became my friends. One of these friends I instantly clicked with and I began to look forward to seeing his messages to me. When I felt it beginning to happen I SAT MY HUSBAND DOWN and said... "Hey, one of the guys on this site is making me feel things I haven't felt in a very long time and I'd like you and I to work on our marriage so that I feel those things with you."

Yep... honest to God I really honestly did. Know what he said? "Of course these guys are going to make you feel wonderful... they don't know the real you." I was insulted and crushed. Soooo... I kept building the relationship with this guy. I knew it was only make believe because my husband was right... these guys didn't know the real me... only what I presented to them in messages and blogs... but damn! It made me feel good to feel like someone was interested in me, and feelings of sexual arrousal surfaced that I didn't know still existed in me.

One night I left to run an errand and left my web site open on my computer. I really didn't have anything to hide. There was really nothing going on but some flirting... and I had already told my husband about it... given him fair warning... a fair chance to make it us instead of me and him.... But when my husband read the messages back and forth he recognized an intimacy that he hadn't taken seriously when I first mentioned it to him.

Of course, he reacted very jealously and seriously. But then he made the following statement... "I think we need to get divorced."

Hallelujah!!! I immediately agreed. Maybe too quickly... because he then took it all back. I wasn't going to lose the opportunity that quickly though and so I didn't take it back and here we went again... co-dependent panic. (the super husband days).

During that month or two, when I wanted a divorce and he was trying to beg me out of it, I brought up the voyerism again. I told him that no matter how hard I had tried to forgive him that I had not been able to. I told him that I carried guilt myself because I had never vindicated my daughter.

I sat him down, IN FRONT OF MY DAUGHTER and I finally, finally, after all these years, YELLED IN HIS FACE!! "HOW DARE YOU DO THAT TO MY DAUGHTER!" "HOW DARE YOU DO THAT TO ME?"

I came UNGLUED! I screamed and screamed and screamed. I opened the floodgate and let him have it all. He sat and took every bit of it. He never once denied. He never once defended. My daughter sat and cried... but I finally stood up for her... so that she could see. I finally defended her so that she could see. I actually lost my voice I screamed so loud and so long. Then I turned to her... and begged her forgiveness!

She gave it to me.

Then he turned to her and asked her to forgive him.

She gave it to him.

I couldn't leave then. I had to give him a chance at forgiveness. I had to give our marriage a chance at forgiveness. I had to give them the chance to build a GOOD relationship.

Okay, that's enough back story... now for my dilemma.

For the past two years, ever since that day, I've been trying my hardest to forgive. I've tried my hardest to be a wife to a husband. I've tried my hardest to allow this man to be my husband and not just my friend.

I'm still not happy though. I was hoping that day would FLUSH my soul, but it didn't. I was hoping that once I got my breast augmentation that I would feel sexually revived (NOT WHY I GOT THE SURGERY... just hoping it would revive my sense of sexuality with my husband)... it didn't.

My daughter and I talked yesterday. She sees that I am not happy. She knows I am not happy being married to him. She broached the subject and said... "Remember when I kept asking you not to leave him? I'm sorry and if you ever want to leave him you can." I told her it would not be fair or right to leave someone for a sin so long ago that they've been forgiven of. I told her that is not who he is now... it is who he was then and that I am the one who has to deal with the problem of not being able to get past it.

She asked me if I was sure that it is not who he is now... I said "yes." She said "Mom... I don't have any more problems with him because I'm not a kid anymore... his thing is with little girls..... and I'm not one anymore...."

I instantly got this very sick feeling. I used to check up on him on his computer all the time looking for those kiddie porn sites he used to frequent. It's been years since I found something and so I finally began to trust again and stopped looking.

He was home alone on Friday. I got into his computer today and looked at his history and bookmarks.

The first site I came across was an adult site and I breathed a sigh of relief... funny... years and years ago that would have been enough to send me packing... I would have been insulted and jealous... but I was relieved that it was all adult women.

Then I came across some history from last week... "young"... "virgin".... "gay incest father and son?".... all from last week which means on Friday when he was home alone. So the problem appears to not be gone.

Oh My God.... what do I do now?